As most of you reading this will already know, my daughter June Elizabeth Costello died in the womb at twenty three weeks. She left this world before she came in, yet I know without a shadow of a doubt that the purpose of her life AND death was to teach the meaning of life, love and surrender.
Death is a difficult subject to navigate in todays world, often it is put in a do not discuss box, or a not relevant yet box. Yet, what this fails to do is prepare us for the very real and inevitable experiences we all must face with death especially the sudden, seemingly out of the blue ones. The good news is that we don’t have to wait until the end of our lives to realize the wisdom that death has to offer. Nor does it have to be a subject that is “off limits” to discuss. The more we can open up the conversation around death and dying, the better we will be able to navigate this journey when it presents itself to us. As it mostly certainly will. In the following paragraphs I’m going to share with you the wisdom I gained from my experience with death and the very paradoxical nature of life AND death.
“The paradox is one of our most valuable spiritual possessions…only the paradox comes anywhere near to comprehending the fullness of life.”
Carl Jung
The death of my daughter was sudden, without warning, yet didn’t at all feel innately wrong. It’s hard to even put into words what I felt, I can best explain it as a deep knowing that arose in the moment, an openness to outcome without attachment. A consciousness of the normal, natural & paradoxical experience that is death alongside the deep desire for life. This straddling between two conflicting elements, and a realization that they can both be true. An experience best explained by ANDS. A few of the ANDS that I clearly remember were present for me were:
✨ a beautiful birth AND a tragic death
✨sorrow, sadness, grief AND equal amounts of joy, beauty, connection
✨gratitude for the time I had with her tucked in my belly AND deep longing for the future I had envisioned with her that was no longer a reality
✨so much support from friends & loved ones AND feelings of complete overwhelm at having to handle the weight of others grief & sorrows, alongside our own
The greatest example of this paradoxical experience of ANDS, came in my postpartum journey. One that truthfully didn't much feel like a postpartum. At least not a recognized one. I was up and carrying on with my life the day after birth, a very different postpartum experience to that of my sons which was a clear six week period of healing.
It is one thing to lose a baby, it is another thing when your body hasn’t realized they are gone. My baby died and I was left with a body still ready and willing to support that baby. My body hadn't caught up to my mind, it was grieving too in the only way it knew how. Pausing in time. There was nothing for it to do, no one to feed. No joyful baby to bring vanity back into reality. The milk flowed but the mouth wasn't there. Just an unfamiliar body, an empty womb, a loose belly, a chest full of milk. A reminder every time I looked in the mirror of what could have been, what will never be between me and my baby. The feelings I felt were incredibly bittersweet. I was simultaneously feeling a sense of wanting to hold onto the last physical reminder I had of my baby AND an urgency for it to vanish before my eyes. A desire for reality to pause AND fast forward at the same time.
The days, weeks and months following gave way to so much reflection and healing, Throughout the process of finding out she had died in my womb, giving birth, postpartum, and beyond, I had and continue to have an innate knowing to welcome everything; every thought, feeling, emotion, and to push away nothing, to feel it all. Junes death taught me to savor life, to touch the texture of each passing moment whether the moment is one of sadness or joy, to love more deeply, grieve and express more fully, and live more authentically. How to surrender to life, how to see the value and beauty that exists in the nature of change, impermanence, fragility and non-attachment. These gifts weren't given without pain but they highlighted the beauty even more because of it. And these gifts keep giving if we are willing to wade through the pain and notice the beauty along the way.
“Fragility & impermanence are in the nature of life. It’s all always coming together and falling apart-not just the physical properties of life, and not just at the time of death. And it is possible to hold it all in love and compassion.”
Frank Ostaseski
I don’t claim to know what anyone else’s experience of or with death looks like. It isn’t an experience that fits into a beautifully curated box. It is unique to you, yet I know for certain that surrendering to the process is the surest way to lessen the burden and pain and maximize the gifts.
Death is a rite of passage, a final stage of growth, an opportunity for transformation, a celebration of being changed and a prompting for us to ask "how shall I live." Death is life's paradox. Dying and death, just as birth, isn't innately a medical event. We don't have to buy into the idea that making the best of a bad situation is all we can hope for. We can support, witness, and celebrate the beauty in death as much as the grief. We can tap into the vulnerability that comes with such an intimate experience of life and death and allow it to teach us, guide us, open us, remind us of the fullness of life and offer those that must walk through the passage of death with intentionally, love and peace.
Why wait until our own death to be free of the struggle? Embrace the gifts that death is teaching us now for impermanence is certain and we can either shrink in fear or choose a different response.
Comentarios